If I had a fraction of my little nephew's energy, this bone marrow transplant recovery would be a piece of cake. He came to visit me yesterday with my sister and it's absolutely amazing how God put so much energy into one little human being. I wanted to ask him to give Auntie Tara just a little bit of what he has to get through this healing process a little easier. He probably would if he could, but then what would he have to keep my sister running after him?
This slow-moving process of healing, I admit freely, is the most difficult part of the entire process. I know that my body has hit rock bottom and moving back up will be a very long road. I don't even want 100% energy; maybe just enough to make me feel a little bit more like myself. I am so dependent on people now and having to take rests constantly, stops me from moving like I normally would, throughout the day. Sometimes, I feel like a failure, even though I know deep down in my heart and mind, I am not. I get so frustrated that I have cried in the past couple days in my disappointment with myself and my ability to walk longer distances. I make a bowl a cereal, eat it and then I am forced to lay down because even that is exhausting. I suppose I have good reason to be frustrated, but still, I despise the negative feeling and try to avoid it at all cost.
I am proud that I have remained fever-free since my discharge from the hospital. I am proud that my skin on my face is beginning to heal and look better. I am even proud of my little appetite growing slowly during the past few days. I am blessed and thankful to be where I am, living with Tim and Alice, who have taken me into their home as their own family and provided the best care for me. I am happy to be alive, blessed with wonderful family and hopeful that more energy is right around the corner.
Thank you for reading and traveling this long road with me. It makes me comforted to know that so many people are reading and “feeling” right along with me. It's like I have this vast support system out there, cheering me on, and trying to understand how difficult this is. We will keep moving forward and continue to pray. I will beat this, maybe not today, but I will. Remember, I hate losing and losing is not an option.